…and then what?  I’ll be rich?  Live in a fancy house?  Have a maid? Never have to work, have my hair done, and go to fancy social events with my adoring husband who has perfect hair despite having just slain a dragon?

I grew up with a loving father, a hands on, involved dad who worked hard and loves his family.  Did I think every guy would just magically be like him?  Maybe somewhere in my distorted thought process.

I was a good student throughout school.  Popular.  Involved in nearly every extracurricular activity available.  Active in my church.  And always moving from boyfriend to boyfriend.

Insecurity can silence intuitionAlone seemed wrong.  Didn’t society expect me to always have someone next to me, regardless of it they were truly a fit — or much less, even a respectable functioning member of society?

If the dream is someday my prince will come, that seems an awful lot like I’m putting my life on hold and giving 100% of my power to a “what-if”, and an unrealistic fantasy, at that.

Thank GOD my parents aren’t judging.  How they haven’t disowned me is nearly shocking.

I was the girl who went off to college like I was supposed to, and came home every weekend…to see a boy.  I didn’t last in college, and it wasn’t the last time I would put my future goals and personal growth at the bottom of the list.

I’ve had many models of healthy relationships in my life.  When I was little, I just assumed my parents were married from the minute they were born – I didn’t grasp the concept that they were separate individuals, or that their relationship was and continues to be a journey, that they both put work into it.  That who they each are today is likely completely different than the day they met.

I’m sure somewhere along the way someone told me to be whole in myself.  To focus on me (in fact, I think I hear my dad’s voice in that one).

It’s funny how we can’t hear advice from people who have been there, people who love us and only want the best.  It’s the rebellious curse we universally share.  And yet, generation after generation, we try in vain to impart our life knowledge on to the next generation – ironically, at times the very same life wisdom someone tried opening our own eyes to.

Was I sleepwalking through life?  It feels like it now as I look back. Insecurity played out like Groundhog’s Day.  Would one real life experience teach me?  Not even close.  I would just repeat the pathetic cycle my entire life – a life that I wasn’t really claiming for my own.

Insecurity can make you do strange things.  Insecurity can silence intuition.

Smart women, poor choices.  It doesn’t make sense.

Why have I not figured out that being me, me investing in me, is the only way to prepare myself for a healthy relationship?

Someday my prince will come.

What does that say to women?  A man will rescue you? From what? And honestly, that’s an unfair expectation of men.  They are human.  They have strengths and weaknesses.  They stumble and fall.

Being whole in yourself doesn’t always come naturally to people.  It takes intentional self reflection.  And it doesn’t happen overnight. I’ve lost myself quite a few times along the way.

But this time, when I found me, I started to discover I really like me.  And I miss her when she’s gone.